Sometimes the exhausting part is not only how you feel.
It is having to act like you do not feel it.
You get dressed.
You go to work.
You answer people.
You laugh when something is funny.
You post something online.
You take care of your children.
You go church.
You tell somebody, “Mi good.”
And somewhere underneath all of that, you know you are not.
Looking okay can become work
People sometimes expect emotional pain to be obvious.
They imagine somebody crying constantly, unable to function or visibly falling apart.
But people can struggle in very different ways.
Some become quiet.
Some become irritable.
Some withdraw.
Some keep functioning because they have responsibilities that do not disappear just because they are having a hard time.
And some become very skilled at giving everybody else the version of themselves that requires the fewest questions.
That can become exhausting.
Why do we pretend?
Sometimes we genuinely do not want to talk.
Sometimes we are afraid people will not understand.
Sometimes we have tried before and heard:
“Yuh have everything. What yuh sad bout?”
“Just cheer up.”
“Other people have it worse.”
“Pray about it.”
Sometimes we do not want to worry our family.
Sometimes we are the person everybody else depends on.
And sometimes we cannot explain what is wrong because we do not fully understand it ourselves.
Pretending can feel easier than explaining.
Until pretending becomes another thing you have to carry.
You do not have to tell everybody
Being more truthful does not mean making a public announcement.
You get to decide who deserves access to what you are experiencing.
Maybe there is one person who feels reasonably safe.
You could say:
“Mi know mi look alright, but mi haven't really been feeling like myself.”
Or:
“Mi don't need advice right now. I just need somebody fi listen.”
Or simply:
“Things heavier than dem look.”
You do not have to tell the entire story in the first conversation.
You can open the door an inch.
And if somebody tells you this
Do not rush to convince them that everything is fine.
Do not interrogate them.
Do not immediately compare their situation with somebody else's.
Try:
“Mi glad yuh tell me.”
“Yuh want talk, or yuh just want company?”
“What would help tonight?”
Sometimes being believed is more useful than being advised.
When pretending is costing too much
If keeping up appearances is becoming harder, if you are withdrawing more, struggling to function, losing interest in things, or feeling persistently low or hopeless, consider reaching for additional support.
You deserve somewhere in your life where performing “fine” is not another assignment.
Even if the first truth is only:
“Mi tired fi pretend.”